Elinvar's Avengers Collection
by Elinvar
Summary: A group of disconnected short stories set in the MCU featuring the avengers, Loki, and whoever else I feel like.
1. Avengers Scramble

"Alright Avengers," said Captain America as his team bumped along in the drop-bay of their hypersonic transport. "We've tracked the stolen items to the Island tower of Kaluu, an ancient wizard who seems to have assembled them for a dark ritual."

Tony Stark rolled his eyes inside his suit, then opened his face-mask and rolled them again for good measure. Despite being pretty good friends with a Norse God, and he still had trouble taking magic seriously. Sooner or latter he'd get around to proving it was just sufficiently advanced tech, buuuut he had a gala to attend tonight and hot women to schmooze with, so it would have to wait another day.

"Doctor," the captain continued, as if he hadn't noticed, "this is your territory, could you explain our plan of attack?"

Stark would never pass up an opportunity to play the arrogant son of a gun, but over time Rogers had learned that it was best to ignore him. He hated that.

The, well strangely dressed man opened his eyes, blue orbs piercing, and took in the room. "Of course Captain." He said politely. "We are dealing with one of my old nemesis Kaluu, a sorcerer only slightly less powerful than myself, and unfathomably more malicious. As you should already know he has stolen a square foot of artificial diamond form a research firm, the sacred oil of celerity from the Amazonian Halaqya tribe, the sacred cow form the taikala temple in India, and a high-tech body armour plate form a subsidiary of Stark industries I believe…"

"Hey," Said Iron man, "Ex-subsidiary. They still make weapons, I don't. Well, I don't _sell_ weapons."

"And yet I distinctly recall you boasting that their security, put in place by your hands, was impenetrable." Thor said.

Stark mumbled something about not having designed for wormholes.

"None the less," continued Strange "when combining these materials with the Jormungand dagger he-

"Hold wizard!" Commanded the thunder god "Our foe holds one of the fangs of the world serpent?"

"Yes, and with it-

"Impossible! It was supposed to be lost!" Interrupted Thor again. "How in all the nine worlds did it return to midgard? No matter- friends this warlock holds a most dangerous weapon. Be swift and be sure you are not struck by it, for its mere touch is poison enough to kill a frost giant, or to make a field barren ten score seasons!"

"Yes, quite." Said the slightly exasperated physician turned arch mage. "and given the items he has taken it seems likely that he plans to sacrifice the sacred cow, corrupting the innocence of the creature and creating a rift in the astral plane, through which who knows that horrors could spill forth."

"Thank you doctor." Said Cap. "Although, we're closing in on the drop zone, and well, I'm not entirely clear on the plan."

"Yea, you said he was weaker than you right? Why should this be any problem?" asked Stark.

"Although I can defeat him in single combat with some regularity, It is an entirely different thing to confront a wizard in neutral ground, and to fight him in his sanctuary where all manner of defences will be arrayed against you. I say you, because I will be too busy confounding his more powerful wards and elemental servants to take part in the fight."

"Time to drop, one minute. Good luck boys." Said Black widow from the cockpit of the craft.

"Right. So watch out for spooky shit, stop dubledore form sacrificing a cow, and don't get hit with his knife. Got it." Summarized Tony Stark as he closed his helmet.

"You've ruined it all!" screamed Kaluu, as he dropped to his knees, reaching out, then recoiling form the shattered mess on the floor in front of him with his still flaming oven mitts.

"Indeed evildoer!" Said the God of Thunder, pointing his hammer at the 500 year old man. "Now relinquish thy stolen blade and surrender, or be smote by avenging justice!"

"I wasn't doing anything!" Screamed the mage. "I just wanted to… Wait, you seek to prevent my action by starving me! And you call me vile, you are the true villans." He said recoiling in horror, placing a hand over his heart, and almost setting his long pointed gotee on fire.

"Wait what?" Said Steve Rogers, advancing cautiously behind his shield, "What exactly were you doing?"

"I was making brunch! Is it against the law to eat now?"

"Making brunch with a sacred cow, a diamond counter top, and high-tech body armour? Get real." Said Iron man between repulsor blasts at wave upon wave of imps which erupted from something which looked kind of like a old microwave.

"But I was! Why won't anyone believe me?"

"What part of… what is that eggs? Requires all that?" Asked Cap.

"You fools, diamond is an excellent heat conductor when its thin like this, its my stove top. It has no cold spots."

Eyebrows were raised.

The wizard continued. "The body armour plate is composed of a high density mesh of quasi-crystals, which not only emit an aura which purifies many spiritual contaminants surrounding the food, but also is 10,000 times less sticky than simple Teflon. That is my pan. The gilded eggs I already had, and I needed Bessie over there for her milk for my omelette. Oh yea, and I was going to mix the oil in with my olive oil to give it that little bit of a fatty taste, but not too much."

He explained, as the sounds of combat died around him.

"This is some manner of trick." Said Thor.

"He may just be a really good liar but…" Said Steve Rogers.

"You've got to be kidding me." Said Stark. "You did all this because you wanted a shitty brunch?!"

"Not a shitty brunch you fool!" Yelled Kaluu, seething with both metaphorical and literal fire "But just the opposite! The greatest brunch ever created by man or Gods! I was to create a meal so perfect, with such flawless ingredients and tools that the perfection of the art would be sung of in sagas! A meal so perfect that it would elevate the tastebuds of any who dared to try it into a higher realm of reality! But most of all, I did it because I was hungry! Can you fault me for that! Can you?!"

"Uh… is he really telling us he stole all this so he could eat breakfast?" Asked Captain America.  
"It would appear so." Said Thor.  
"I feel I must apologize, I read the situation incorrectly." Said doctor Strange.

"So you used your awesome mastery over the fabric of space and time to bring yourself the perfect omelette?" asked Stark, sounding more impressed than he probably ought to have.

"Yea, pretty much." Said the old man. "I mean I AM a super villan, did you expect me to just go to the farmers market?"

"One could hope." Said Rogers.

"Not after what happened last time." Strange retorted, his face a mask of regret.

"Well, if you think its really going to be that good, I suppose I could find you another pan." Said Tony, kicking a shard of the body-armour turned frying pan across the ground as he walked over to the kneeling man and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Provided of course, that you make enough for all of us!"


	2. Loki's Charitable Efforts part 1

"Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God!" hissed Claire hiding beneath a desk which was not her own, the words, echoing in her head. Well, not the words exactly, more like the emotion of panic running around in circles as if its hair were on fire. This wasn't really a time for words.

Something exploded outside on the street and she could hear people running and screaming, and over it all, the cackling of the mad God or trickery.

Clair pressed herself up against the back of the desk and closed her eyes, smoothing her pencil skirt and curly dark hair, out of nervous habit rather than by conscious choice, wondering how the day went so wrong.

*** several weeks prior ***

"So you see, you're, er, divineness? That this disease is a real problem for people in the developing world." Claire concluded her power point, withdrawing her pointer and placing it behind her back, laughing nervously.

She had every right to be nervous, the Norse God of mischief and trickery was sitting a few feet away from her, sipping coffee disdainfully.

She wasn't sure what she'd expected when after joking about needing divine intervention to get the fundraiser set up in time, she'd offered to set her up with Loki, who she knew somehow. Seriously, how the fuck did Suzan know fucking Loki?!  
Whatever. Claire had expected a scary grinning hook-nosed man in chainmail, like in some of the antique block carvings she'd looked up. The man in front of her had dark flawlessly trimmed hair, and was dressed in an immaculate suit, his feet up on the desk casually, and he was wearing some kind of designer shoes she didn't recognise. And he was hot. Like super super hot. She wasn't ready for this.

Thinking along these lines, Claire lowered her pointer just under the curve of her butt, and raised it slightly to emphasise her curves. She didn't know if the tricks mere mortals used in their porn would have any effect on a literal god, but it was worth a shot she figured, trying to pose a little more seductively.

Loki sipped his coffee coolly, unimpressed by, well probably by everything. That was the most intimidating thing about him in her mind; not that he could probably kill her and everyone in the building pretty easily, but that if he did it would be because he looked down on everyone inside as not important, not because he was evil or crazy. It made her want to live up to his expectations, to try and… well now she was starting to blush as the silence stretched longer.

"So." The God spoke, his voice like cream, but with an edge of bitterness as well. "I am to understand that in this iteration of Midgard that the greatest number of mortals are cut down by this 'malaria', a virus carried by the most humble mosquito?"

"Er, yes. About 500,000 deaths annually." Said Claire blushing more. Was it embarrassing that so many people were dying because of bugs?

The man who was not a man's face twisted into grin and he let out a whistle as a mosquito landed on his outstretched index finger.

How the fuck did that get there? Thought Claire, possibly letting out a muffled squeak.

"And as this is a problem which effects only the less affluent and more equatorial regions of the plane, the kings or your northern lands have little impetuous to do anything about that."

"Y-yes." She said. Was her voice normal? Wasn't it kind of hot in here? She was definitely sweating.

"And you…" Said Loki looking directly at Claire for the first time, "are pleading to me to do something about that?"

"Yes sir, or Your Godness? We can pay you for your time, but…"

The god of tricks interrupted her. "And exactly what…" said Loki suddenly fanning himself with bills which, if you were to closely inspect them would claim to be worth one million USD each, "…use would *I* possibly have for your currency fool?"

With a flick of his hand, the cash was gone and he rose to his feet in a fluid motion.  
Of course it was an illusion; Loki didn't need money, and they both knew it. He was just making fun of her, and she blushed more.

"None the less, this intrigues me. I shall do what you ask Claire daughter of Pavarti. Although…"  
He said leaning in close to her.  
"I may ask a favour of you in return some day. Unless of course I forget and you die before that."

***  
At the time Claire had be very aroused by that sort of request, but now it sounded pretty terrifying. 'That's what you get', she thought, 'for making a deal with a god of trickery.'

Claire had just finished her power point, more or less the same one she'd shown to Loki earlier, and passed him as he walked up the stairs to the stage, and towards the podium. He smiled at her and she did something with her face. He was wearing a different suit, this one more a more dignified silver-gray, and he wore a gold watch on each wrist. Why on each wrist? Who knows.

Loki stood behind the podium, before the assembled crowd. It was full of wealthy people, philanthropists, dignitaries, high status people form corporations and governments largely.

The god looked down on them all, metaphorically and literally, and smiled an inviting and magnanimous smile. None of them knew it hid daggers, as they all relaxed slightly and quieted down in anticipation.

"Greetings and welcome, various thanes and guild-merchants to this great land." He began his speech. They didn't recognise him, not many did, and he had many faces.

"As the lovely Claire, daughter of Parvati, speaker of the Malaria Atlas guild has so eloquently elaborated, the greatest threat to human life on this plane of existence is currently the Malaria virus."

The assembled crowd followed all the right points, applauding for Calire, who predictably blushed and waved nervously, and nodded along and grumbled assent as he described the threat the virus posed. _These mortals are so tiresomely predictable_. Loki thought, unknowing that some of the murmur form the audience was directed at as strange patterns of speech. _It is just as well that I am here to rattle the cages that are their tiny skulls, and perhaps prompt them into some sort of action._ He thought, smiling more broadly.

"As you also know, esteemed guild-masters, you are all here to contribute some small part of your resources to the eradication of this disease, a goal combining the destruction and preservation of life; the most human of motivations, and I say that _this_ day as high praise indeed."

Some members of the audience laughed, but it was in a confused sort of laugh. Realising that he was loosing their fascination, Loki addressed one of the audience members directly;

"You sir, yes you who wears the cloth Dagaz around your neck." Loki said leaning forward, but this seemed to cause more confusion.

"The rune Dagaz man, the symbolic representation of day, do you not… of course you do not use the runes." He continued, and although he resisted the urge to smack his face with open hand, it was clear enough that he did not think much of the intellect of the crowd.

This delay was causing the other people to start talking, commenting on the strangeness of this new surprise guest.

 _By the all-father was the attention span of mortals dropping by the century?_

Fed up, the God of illusions caused the man he was addressing to begin to glow with a prismatic outline with a snap of his fingers.

"You the glowing one. That is clear enough no?"

This brought them back. Although many were starting to take out these strange small dark tablets from their pockets. Runestones of protection from magic perhaps? No, some are flashing with light. _I really ought to categorize the new magic's of this realm._

"Sir, how much is your guild committing to this cause?"

"H-how are you doing this?"

Loki sighed- as much as he admires curiosity, it can be cumbersome to deal with.  
"Special effects." Loki answered with a smile, he had picked up _some_ of the phrases of this realm. "Now if you would be so kind as to answer the question."

"Um. About a quarter million." The man replied.

He wouldn't have contributed half that amount, but for being called out in public.

"And you?" Asked loki, surrounding another audience member in a soft shifting glow.

"I am here as an individual, and I expect to contribute ten thousand." She said halfway between nervousness and indignation.

"Good. And so it would go. For our part we were expecting to raise something in the circle of 2 million from this campaign. A king's ransom, would you not say!"

The audience applauds, congratulating themselves smugly on a job well done, as The God's smile twists, waiting for the perfect moment.

"But it is not enough." Loki says, his voice no longer the jovial and entreating tone of the gracious host, but the sharp and severe war commander.

"I have seen the riches you command and what you offer is a pittance. Noting could be more clear to me than that none of you think this applies to you. This is not _your_ problem. If some poor serfs far away suffer, let them. And yet look at you all, playing the merciful, the gracious, the saviours of the world."

The crowd began to protest as Claire, first waved and tried to stop Loki's speech, then looked for the sound techs. They should have cut him off, but they were sleeping on their soundboards. Now she shook with a frantic energy, unsure of what to do. This wasn't in the script! She then heard a high-pitched whining buzz near her ear.

Loki was not about to be shouted down by mortals however, and cracked his staff (which a moment before was nowhere to be seen) onto the stage with a sound like thunder, quieting their uproar.

"Do you think you are cunning? Do you think yourselves cleaver? You are not. You are lucky that the climate in which you were born steals the strength form this disease and its carrier. You think yourselves immune, protected in you're towers of glass and steel, but you are far from invincible."

If Loki's smile wasn't cruel before it was now. The crowd was largely stunned, by this accusatory speech, by the way this strange man's clothes seemed to be changing before their eyes, from a fine gray suit to, a chainmail tunic, incredibly small rings forming knots and dragon-shaped patterns of silver and gold which seemed to be in a different position every time you blinked. There was a scattered clapping sound from the far edges of the audience, but just one at a time, and it didn't sound like approval.

"I have deigned to reveal to you your foolishness, as is my want, and custom. I have released a half a million malaria infected mosquitoes in a ring around this auditorium. Several of you I see, have already been bit, some without knowing it. Now this far away and distant problem, is very much _your_ personal problem."

The crowd screamed, some people fled, others sat stunned, some raged impotently, and the mad god laughed.

"Let us see what you contribute now, HA HA HA HA!" Said Loki, floating into the air now, and with a twirl of his staff he caused a nearby water fountain to explode in burst of fire and steam, and then plants which grew out with unnatural speed snaring the security guards nearby.

"Go fools! Go to your Alchemists and healers and test their magic to the limits! Lets see what the humans of this realm can do when really pressed!" He continued till smiling, as he detonating a trashcan and winking at a horrified Claire.


End file.
